she is too hip for me.
too many things to do.
too many people to enjoy.
i get to be a footnote in whatever life she leads.
this is where i find myself.
stuck clinging to an anchor
swinging heavily behind.
sweet girl,
i have little to offer you
outside what lies before you already.
all that i can give,
i give it willingly, and without reservation.
skills and trades.
beads and trinkets.
anything to barter
for a little of your time.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
youre up there
and im down here.
with so many doors in between.
who could possibly have all the keys?
if they did,
they certainly wouldnt own them.
all borrowed and strung together
like a malcontented janitor,
saving up for the day when all old locks will be put into service
with the new locks.
back to task,
youre up there
and im down here.
toss me a rope,
you know ill climb it.
and im down here.
with so many doors in between.
who could possibly have all the keys?
if they did,
they certainly wouldnt own them.
all borrowed and strung together
like a malcontented janitor,
saving up for the day when all old locks will be put into service
with the new locks.
back to task,
youre up there
and im down here.
toss me a rope,
you know ill climb it.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
i am excited, thus AMERICA IS EXCITED!
im an american. i am. so i get excited. thats us. thats our country in a nutshell. Americans get excited. we dont go to war because we hate. we dont destroy the planet because we hate. we certainly dont watch tv because its good. its because its the most exciting thing we have! we will sit and watch tv all day becuase we cant believe its actually happening. i have to believe the only reason so much terrible, (agreeably terrible!), shows are still on tv is that we are so mesmerized by the process. well what process? i flip a switch, that sends a invisible secret signal that no human can possibly detect alone, that ignites my tv in to a raging inferno of cathode ray tubes and photosensitve dots. Miles away, some tv station sends out a signal (to space!) hits a satellite aka moving target in the vastness of space that occupies a 1/gazilionth of our sky. that signal is then reflected to a station closer to home that collects and refocuses that signal nay REMOLDS! that signal, smashes it into metal cables that run the dangerous gap from the station to my home. then my tv in a hysterical fit of activity and electromagnetic waves that are detected and decoded and flourish on my screen in an immaculate harmony of shapes colors and sounds!
holy shit!
here ill recap,
i flip a switch and fucking real housewives is on. theres my saturday.
thats america. we estimate that we have more guns per capita than anywhere in the world. why do we estimate? we know that we do. problem is we tried to count and just wound up shooting guns all afternoon. we are so excited by guns that we will continue to amaze ourselves with how much faster we can make the shoot or how much damage we can make them do. everyday, we can create more destruction, more quickly than any society ever. quick impression of a gun. BLAM! thats it. thats so exciting in it self that we will slow down that half second to a 30 minute show on the discovery channel. "the .50 caliber Desert Eagle Pistol will now be fired at an apple convicted of aiding international terrorist Abin Al Zarqawi, slowed down to an incredible 1 foot per hour." -acted out firing of weapon-
compelling!
oh my god! did you see that? it hit the thing that it was aimed at! what? the bullet! no way! yes way! watch again. IT DID! I TOLD YOU! Lets join the Marines!
we get excited.
how do you think Bush got elected twice, we love to watch things in slow motion, not to mention the special olympics.
Weve all gotten that bike on Christmas morning.
whats the first thing you did? get on it. inside. ride it. get yelled at for riding a bike inside. go outside. ride it again. get yelled at for not wearing a helmet. thats america. we get so excited we forget to put our helmets on!
look at iraq. we didnt need to go over ther but someone sold us a tank and doggonit if we are not going to ride in it and fire that ridiculous gun on top.
in Washington right now. some panel of generals are interviewing a slew of private contractors who want to provide this country with ridiculous/freaking awesome/ridiculous weapons!
"Mr. Brown, your Liberty Bunker Buster 2900 X is intriguing but im afraid its quite a lot to spend on one bomb and will put us over budget, is there anything youd like to say concerning your product?"
"yes, Mr Secretary. The Liberty Bunker Buster 2900 X, not to be confused with the 5 kiloton Freedom Fist of Annihilation Bomb or the Cascading Napalm Missile of Democratic Ideals, is entirely its own being. First of all it can penetrate the highly dense, rocky exterior of any fortification or mountain cave, burrowing itself to the core of the structure before detonating and releasing a massive explosion of both concussive and thermal force."
"could you be more specific Mr. Brown?"
"yes sir, when the bomb goes off, the mountain will look like it farted sir."
"really?"
"yes sir, smoke and fire will come out of every crack and crevice, no one near will be able to stand. there is also a distinctive egg salad smell sir."
"how exciting! well i dont see how this panel cannot sign off on this contract. we will go ahead and write you a check. i left the total blank, you can write in whatever price you think is reasonable. See you at the family BBQ this weekend."
we spend more on defense than anything else.
we call it defense, but really its just guns. we spend more on guns than anything else. can you imagine, spending 50 percent of your income on any one thing thats only used for emergencies. Thats like, instead of a fire alarm, you buy a fire truck. have it sit in your driveway or parked on the street, just in case. im fucking waiter, how can i afford to go to school or see a doctor when ive got my money tied up in a big ass multipump fire truck, fully staffed, just sitting in my yard.
holy shit!
here ill recap,
i flip a switch and fucking real housewives is on. theres my saturday.
thats america. we estimate that we have more guns per capita than anywhere in the world. why do we estimate? we know that we do. problem is we tried to count and just wound up shooting guns all afternoon. we are so excited by guns that we will continue to amaze ourselves with how much faster we can make the shoot or how much damage we can make them do. everyday, we can create more destruction, more quickly than any society ever. quick impression of a gun. BLAM! thats it. thats so exciting in it self that we will slow down that half second to a 30 minute show on the discovery channel. "the .50 caliber Desert Eagle Pistol will now be fired at an apple convicted of aiding international terrorist Abin Al Zarqawi, slowed down to an incredible 1 foot per hour." -acted out firing of weapon-
compelling!
oh my god! did you see that? it hit the thing that it was aimed at! what? the bullet! no way! yes way! watch again. IT DID! I TOLD YOU! Lets join the Marines!
we get excited.
how do you think Bush got elected twice, we love to watch things in slow motion, not to mention the special olympics.
Weve all gotten that bike on Christmas morning.
whats the first thing you did? get on it. inside. ride it. get yelled at for riding a bike inside. go outside. ride it again. get yelled at for not wearing a helmet. thats america. we get so excited we forget to put our helmets on!
look at iraq. we didnt need to go over ther but someone sold us a tank and doggonit if we are not going to ride in it and fire that ridiculous gun on top.
in Washington right now. some panel of generals are interviewing a slew of private contractors who want to provide this country with ridiculous/freaking awesome/ridiculous weapons!
"Mr. Brown, your Liberty Bunker Buster 2900 X is intriguing but im afraid its quite a lot to spend on one bomb and will put us over budget, is there anything youd like to say concerning your product?"
"yes, Mr Secretary. The Liberty Bunker Buster 2900 X, not to be confused with the 5 kiloton Freedom Fist of Annihilation Bomb or the Cascading Napalm Missile of Democratic Ideals, is entirely its own being. First of all it can penetrate the highly dense, rocky exterior of any fortification or mountain cave, burrowing itself to the core of the structure before detonating and releasing a massive explosion of both concussive and thermal force."
"could you be more specific Mr. Brown?"
"yes sir, when the bomb goes off, the mountain will look like it farted sir."
"really?"
"yes sir, smoke and fire will come out of every crack and crevice, no one near will be able to stand. there is also a distinctive egg salad smell sir."
"how exciting! well i dont see how this panel cannot sign off on this contract. we will go ahead and write you a check. i left the total blank, you can write in whatever price you think is reasonable. See you at the family BBQ this weekend."
we spend more on defense than anything else.
we call it defense, but really its just guns. we spend more on guns than anything else. can you imagine, spending 50 percent of your income on any one thing thats only used for emergencies. Thats like, instead of a fire alarm, you buy a fire truck. have it sit in your driveway or parked on the street, just in case. im fucking waiter, how can i afford to go to school or see a doctor when ive got my money tied up in a big ass multipump fire truck, fully staffed, just sitting in my yard.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
I have a friend, dont we all? my friend invites me to parties. there is usually food, booze and thought rampant, whats not to like? oh, thats right. her friends are almost all douchebags. almost completely incapable of having a conversation about anything not themselves and completely run by whatever is in fashion or as seen on tv. doucheysweater man wants me to get a passport because its important. lets ignore that not only have i know buisness outside of these United States, but i couldnt afford it if i did. i certainly cant afford some field trip to london and paris. Daddy doesnt pay my rent. and i wouldnt let him if he could. next time i see him, he'll say "you were that guy at the party dressed like an indian!" and ill say "you were that guy who smelled like his mothers vagina, still do!" over and out.
Friday, February 20, 2009
i am doing a 5 minute standup act tomorrow here in chicago.
itll mark the first time that i have done standup here or anywhere.
im scared shitless and i keep desperately coming up with gimmicks to save myself.
if i could relax and center myself, im sure i could find some material worth repeating to strangers.
any suggestions or awesome bits?
itll mark the first time that i have done standup here or anywhere.
im scared shitless and i keep desperately coming up with gimmicks to save myself.
if i could relax and center myself, im sure i could find some material worth repeating to strangers.
any suggestions or awesome bits?
Monday, February 16, 2009
who sows these seeds of discontent?
there comes a time in a young man's life where he realizes he is a just that, a young man. part of the growing process, aside from mysterious hair and constant erections, is learning a valuable lesson. few people are concerned with the truth, especially the truth of what your life entails. they want the representative glamour or hardship that they have established to be correct in their mind. its that time when Christy in junior high would ask you "whatd you do over the weekend?" What comes to mind is the truth, " well friday, my parents and i went to see that alicia silverstone movie, and had dinner at Chilis. then when i got home, i took in some TGIF, had a pushpop and went to bed early so i could catch up on X-men on saturday morning. ps i touched myself too."
instead,
i say, "i shot a BB gun at squirrel with my cousin before we drank coke with peppermint schnapps."
to be honest,
i wish girls would have responded to heartfelt letters, and sensitive conversation, would be easier for me.
i guess violence and booze are more deeply rooted in the American psyche than any of us care to admit.
instead,
i say, "i shot a BB gun at squirrel with my cousin before we drank coke with peppermint schnapps."
to be honest,
i wish girls would have responded to heartfelt letters, and sensitive conversation, would be easier for me.
i guess violence and booze are more deeply rooted in the American psyche than any of us care to admit.
bamboo viper
maybe you saw the posting times for the last/first two entries. a man will start to do anything that early in the morning. especially drunk, though not that i was. as you, fearless reader, may find out as i begin to document the writable things in my life, i seldom need to an altered state of mind to destroy a perfectly good situation.
Whats mostly on my mind, now that ive slept a bit more, is this play i saw a few days ago. Its an irish play being done at a university here in Chicago. Its also directed by a good friend and former professor of my mine when i myself was an a university. It was boring. Super Hero boring. It was just this terrible script of people talking and setting up for all kinds of arc swings and character shifts, but instead of all that happening after intermission, they just stayed the same. There was no justice, there was no downward or upward turns. Its like you ever sit down with a senile grandparent and they tell you this wonderfully, long-winded, banal story of Mr. Arctis, who lived down the street and was a carpenter. The story takes 30 minutes of your life away and all you learn is that Mr. Arctis had a dead rose bush in his back yard. Thanks Nana!
Most of the time i prefer to give the benefit of the doubt to my friend, shes been directing and teaching for years, who am i judge or criticize someone elses work when i have such a scant resume? But who picks this play? I cant think of any serious theater artist or practitioner who would pick something so dull and desperately steaming ahead with no real message or theme.
Now this is an educational situation. Perhaps she chose this play to expose the students to irish dialogue or a particular style of play, that they will not see much in a university setting. COOL! However, surely there is another example that will educate the students on a niche of theater while letting them know they are artists, and they have to make choices to do that. There are very few lessons about standing still.
ps
i should have been the one to invent those foam noodles kids play with in pools.
Those are ridiculously cheap to produce and even simpler to come up with.
Should have been mine!
Whats mostly on my mind, now that ive slept a bit more, is this play i saw a few days ago. Its an irish play being done at a university here in Chicago. Its also directed by a good friend and former professor of my mine when i myself was an a university. It was boring. Super Hero boring. It was just this terrible script of people talking and setting up for all kinds of arc swings and character shifts, but instead of all that happening after intermission, they just stayed the same. There was no justice, there was no downward or upward turns. Its like you ever sit down with a senile grandparent and they tell you this wonderfully, long-winded, banal story of Mr. Arctis, who lived down the street and was a carpenter. The story takes 30 minutes of your life away and all you learn is that Mr. Arctis had a dead rose bush in his back yard. Thanks Nana!
Most of the time i prefer to give the benefit of the doubt to my friend, shes been directing and teaching for years, who am i judge or criticize someone elses work when i have such a scant resume? But who picks this play? I cant think of any serious theater artist or practitioner who would pick something so dull and desperately steaming ahead with no real message or theme.
Now this is an educational situation. Perhaps she chose this play to expose the students to irish dialogue or a particular style of play, that they will not see much in a university setting. COOL! However, surely there is another example that will educate the students on a niche of theater while letting them know they are artists, and they have to make choices to do that. There are very few lessons about standing still.
ps
i should have been the one to invent those foam noodles kids play with in pools.
Those are ridiculously cheap to produce and even simpler to come up with.
Should have been mine!
i just saw a map of the United States that was color coded for population density. not just any density, one of proportional single women to single men. Los Angeles has the highest concentration of single men. (good job fellas!)
while Chicago and New York have the highest in single ladies(put a ring on it!).
Since i live in Chicago, and i have just completed my second single Valentines day,
i would just like to let everyone know, that even though the odds are stacked in my favor and i possess arguable quality but certainly present levels of good looks and intelligence, i continue to fall flat on my face on this one.
of course, in my defense, we are not factoring in that these women in these cities may choose to be single. its possible that the ratio of single ladies to men is actually much lower if we could boil down those statistics to exclude women who didnt care to be in a relationship.
it would also be nice if we could then further exclude those women who didnt want to be in a relationship with me, cross reference that with a pre-determined list of attributes, interestes, body types, income levels, current medications, and listed them by proximity to my apartment.
im sure theres in iphone app for that.
while Chicago and New York have the highest in single ladies(put a ring on it!).
Since i live in Chicago, and i have just completed my second single Valentines day,
i would just like to let everyone know, that even though the odds are stacked in my favor and i possess arguable quality but certainly present levels of good looks and intelligence, i continue to fall flat on my face on this one.
of course, in my defense, we are not factoring in that these women in these cities may choose to be single. its possible that the ratio of single ladies to men is actually much lower if we could boil down those statistics to exclude women who didnt care to be in a relationship.
it would also be nice if we could then further exclude those women who didnt want to be in a relationship with me, cross reference that with a pre-determined list of attributes, interestes, body types, income levels, current medications, and listed them by proximity to my apartment.
im sure theres in iphone app for that.
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